Shit, I can feel your anger, it's palpable and believe me I can relate. Like, REALLY relate. Anger has always been something I've had to deal with and I'm a gentle pussycat like you for the most part, but I seethe with rage over some of the most banal things. But they're not banal to me.
A really uncomfortable read. I find anger and the consequences of it deeply unpleasant but it exists and talking about it openly is both brave and a great start to a conversation about it. So much better than some of the very very angry people I know who don't even seem to think it could be a problem. Thank you.
Thank you for reading, Graham. It was an uncomfortable thing to write too. It's so easy to not confront our issues, but that's unhealthy. Only took me 40 years to learn that lesson.
This is powerful, Lewis. I’ve had my own evolving relationship with anger over the years, so I get it. It wasn’t until I finally found myself in a functional long-term relationship that I had to truly deal with it. For me, finding that teeny, tiny window been stimulus and reaction where I could take a beat and make a more conscious decision was what finally changed it all. Before that it was like I was possessed and the anger came involuntary. For years I’d been that way - flying off the handle. Anyway, I just want to say I know how hard it is (and I don’t have the added ADHD to deal with). You’re doing great.
We are not all wired the same and it is an important distinction, as it's not a character flaw. We are responsible of course for how we manage ourselves and some of us have a lot more to overcome.
It's very brave to get that self-awareness and realise, "this isn't normal or healthy", especially when it's been normal all your life. Can I ask if you were prone to having tantrums when you were little? I mean, all toddlers have them, but I wonder if people commented on you having them more than "normal"?
People in my family still talk about my enormous tantrums and enormous sulks, and they came up at my ADHD assessment. I know I get massive rage myself and I know it's not good. It's been particularly bad recently with trying to move house as the stress is setting everything off! Like you, though, the knowledge that this comes from my bonkers brain does help to manage it (usually... Not when trying to move house at the last minute, though!!)
I don't think I had tantrums as a kid, but I'd have to ask my folks to be sure. I think the explosive anger thing kicked in more and more as I got older - like the longer I masked up the more this sort of thing happened. That's how it seems to me, my family may think otherwise.
Oh, that's interesting. I wonder if it's like an overwhelm reaction? But yeah, I can definitely see that, if you're masking for so long - it turns you into a walking pressure cooker. And, of course, ADHD brains LOVE stimulation so anger would feed that.
That sounds right to me. I’m still unpacking a lot of it, but yeah it certainly feels like I spent 20-odd years desperately seeking stimulation (with apologies to Madonna), and when nothing else quite hit the spot I started having these explosive outbursts.
Popping back to say i appreciate your inner rage confessions. I have my dad’s voice chuntering away most often when I’ feeling narked. I’m very good at suppressing rage, but I do feel it! I applaud you for working out how to manage your own anger.
Thank you, Wendy. It took a long time but we got there in the end. Maybe if I had a voice for it it might have taken less time to get here?
I don't know what's going on with style and colour. I only started tinkering with it after you (and others) started saying it was playing up. Seems like the Substack team are spaffing all their efforts chatting up misogynists rather than fixing the basics.
My dad thought letting off steam by shouting was healthy - for him, maybe, but as a child, it was frightening. Anger management is a good thing!
Re colours - easiest/quickest colour fix your end would be to switch publication design to black text on white background, which tends to be most legible anyway. If people prefer reading white on black on phone they can always switch to night-mode.
Comments direct on publication always being black while typing, regardless of background colour, is deffo Substack glitch, but who knows how long it’ll take for them to sort out?
Must be horrific to have this anger. I only ever get angry with the teenagers, they gang up on me, little shits. 😂 but it never lasts long for me. Thank goodness 😅
I thought getting angry at the slightest - even the most trifling - thing was normal and even almost endearing at times. It took me til my mid thirties to realise I was hurting those around and ultimately myself.
A buddhist told me he'd learned to imagine anger as a burning brick you have to throw at the object of your anger - you have to hurt yourself first.
Developing type 1 diabetes was an eye opener, you should see what it does to the sugar levels when I do get angry! Neurodivergent here too.
Great and relatable post Lewis. I have to take a deep breath at the vertical queues too...
Substack issue - I'm not getting notified of your posts any more?! Shall look into that tds.
Shit, I can feel your anger, it's palpable and believe me I can relate. Like, REALLY relate. Anger has always been something I've had to deal with and I'm a gentle pussycat like you for the most part, but I seethe with rage over some of the most banal things. But they're not banal to me.
Powerful writing.
Thanks Daniel. I am actually a pussycat too, but when it goes off it really goes off! Funny how it's always the little things.
A really uncomfortable read. I find anger and the consequences of it deeply unpleasant but it exists and talking about it openly is both brave and a great start to a conversation about it. So much better than some of the very very angry people I know who don't even seem to think it could be a problem. Thank you.
Thank you for reading, Graham. It was an uncomfortable thing to write too. It's so easy to not confront our issues, but that's unhealthy. Only took me 40 years to learn that lesson.
Really brave and compelling writing. Was this incident pre or post diagnosis?
Thank you. It was pre-diagnosis; but it was the straw that broke the camel's back and literally the trigger for seeking help.
Thank you for sharing. FYI I tend to think vertical queues in pubs should turn the mildest individuals into white phosphorus. They’re an abomination.
No, Yousef, thank *you* for reading. Vertical queuing is atrocious and I will ensure it stops.
This is powerful, Lewis. I’ve had my own evolving relationship with anger over the years, so I get it. It wasn’t until I finally found myself in a functional long-term relationship that I had to truly deal with it. For me, finding that teeny, tiny window been stimulus and reaction where I could take a beat and make a more conscious decision was what finally changed it all. Before that it was like I was possessed and the anger came involuntary. For years I’d been that way - flying off the handle. Anyway, I just want to say I know how hard it is (and I don’t have the added ADHD to deal with). You’re doing great.
Thank you so much, Sara. Finding that tiny beat where you can get a grip on it is a wonderful skill to acquire, isn't it? Better late than never.
We are not all wired the same and it is an important distinction, as it's not a character flaw. We are responsible of course for how we manage ourselves and some of us have a lot more to overcome.
This was very insightful - kudos to you.
Thank you sharing.
No no, thank *you* for reading. It's never too late for self-reflection, is it?
It isn’t! Better late than never- and doesn’t it feel good, like solving a puzzle.
Yes, it feels incredible. And it's exactly like solving a puzzle, I don't think I've realised that before - thank you!
It's very brave to get that self-awareness and realise, "this isn't normal or healthy", especially when it's been normal all your life. Can I ask if you were prone to having tantrums when you were little? I mean, all toddlers have them, but I wonder if people commented on you having them more than "normal"?
People in my family still talk about my enormous tantrums and enormous sulks, and they came up at my ADHD assessment. I know I get massive rage myself and I know it's not good. It's been particularly bad recently with trying to move house as the stress is setting everything off! Like you, though, the knowledge that this comes from my bonkers brain does help to manage it (usually... Not when trying to move house at the last minute, though!!)
I don't think I had tantrums as a kid, but I'd have to ask my folks to be sure. I think the explosive anger thing kicked in more and more as I got older - like the longer I masked up the more this sort of thing happened. That's how it seems to me, my family may think otherwise.
Oh, that's interesting. I wonder if it's like an overwhelm reaction? But yeah, I can definitely see that, if you're masking for so long - it turns you into a walking pressure cooker. And, of course, ADHD brains LOVE stimulation so anger would feed that.
That sounds right to me. I’m still unpacking a lot of it, but yeah it certainly feels like I spent 20-odd years desperately seeking stimulation (with apologies to Madonna), and when nothing else quite hit the spot I started having these explosive outbursts.
Popping back to say i appreciate your inner rage confessions. I have my dad’s voice chuntering away most often when I’ feeling narked. I’m very good at suppressing rage, but I do feel it! I applaud you for working out how to manage your own anger.
Thank you, Wendy. It took a long time but we got there in the end. Maybe if I had a voice for it it might have taken less time to get here?
I don't know what's going on with style and colour. I only started tinkering with it after you (and others) started saying it was playing up. Seems like the Substack team are spaffing all their efforts chatting up misogynists rather than fixing the basics.
My dad thought letting off steam by shouting was healthy - for him, maybe, but as a child, it was frightening. Anger management is a good thing!
Re colours - easiest/quickest colour fix your end would be to switch publication design to black text on white background, which tends to be most legible anyway. If people prefer reading white on black on phone they can always switch to night-mode.
Comments direct on publication always being black while typing, regardless of background colour, is deffo Substack glitch, but who knows how long it’ll take for them to sort out?
PS Apple for typos. I can’t see what the heck I’m typing. I will definitely report this glitch to Substack. Yes I will!
See? apologies. Not apples
Must be horrific to have this anger. I only ever get angry with the teenagers, they gang up on me, little shits. 😂 but it never lasts long for me. Thank goodness 😅
It's certainly not fun! But this isn't a pity party, I just need to know how to handle it.
Love love loved this!!
Thank you Elly. Couldn't have done it without you.
I thought getting angry at the slightest - even the most trifling - thing was normal and even almost endearing at times. It took me til my mid thirties to realise I was hurting those around and ultimately myself.
A buddhist told me he'd learned to imagine anger as a burning brick you have to throw at the object of your anger - you have to hurt yourself first.
Developing type 1 diabetes was an eye opener, you should see what it does to the sugar levels when I do get angry! Neurodivergent here too.
Great and relatable post Lewis. I have to take a deep breath at the vertical queues too...
Substack issue - I'm not getting notified of your posts any more?! Shall look into that tds.