24 Comments
User's avatar
Nick's avatar

"Bah gawd he is broken in half!" Always nice to read the experiences of another Attitude era aficionado! Clearly sounded like you lost the table match in Australia though 😉. I do feel for your parents!

Lewis Holmes's avatar

I definitely lost the table match. At least it wasn't a ladder...

Andy Carter's avatar

😆 This is as quality, mate! As a similarly clumsy and accident prone man, it’s a hard relate.

I’ve also had a rough time at The Woolshed in Cairns. Earlier in the day I’d picked up an ear infection in the pool at our godawful hostel and, on the dance floor, ear wax started seeping down my neck, onto my T-shirt, glowing under the cheap strobe lights. A woman said, “urgh, what the fuck is that?!”

A low ebb.

Lewis Holmes's avatar

Ooof, that's a bad one. tough to recover from!

Henny Hiemenz's avatar

Loved this! Also, Mick Foley went to Cortland State so he will forever be a heel in my eyes 🤣

Lewis Holmes's avatar

Thanks Henny. I'm not particularly au fait with US college rivalries, so I'll leave you and Mick to slug that one out.

Sara's avatar

Lewis, your poor Mum! She must have been dreading the next injury. Though I do miss the days when you could table dance without a waiver. I have one very clumsy child who has zero spatial awareness and just collides with things constantly. I fear how this will evolve as she gets older and bigger! 🫠🫣

Lewis Holmes's avatar

Haha, I only thought about my parents' reaction to all of these while I was writing it. I was supposed to be the sensible child as well. I hope your clumsy kid evolves out of it!

Francis F's avatar

My head feels weird reading this , I only ever cracked my chin open and broke my collarbone 😕 I used to love big daddy and Jeff capes 😁

Lewis Holmes's avatar

Collarbone is supposed to be nasty, I think I'd take a crack to the dome over that!

Francis F's avatar

I’d rather have no cracks in any bones Lewis 🤣There is nothing they can do for a collarbone just bandage it ! And i fainted when she cut the bandage off 🤣 she gave me pineapple juice, still can’t drink the stuff !

Daniel O’Donnell's avatar

Jeezo, Lewis, I thought I was bad getting run over and crashing my car at high speed!

My son was a huge WWE fan. Went to see it at Glasgow Hydro. Mick Foley was one of his favourites. Up until about a year ago I still had his theme song on my Apple Music even though my son hadn’t watched the wrestling in a good few years 😁

Lewis Holmes's avatar

Getting run over isn't fun, is it?

He's a very likeable guy is Mick. The best characters are just exaggerated versions of themselves, so no wonder he got over with so many fans.

Faith Liversedge's avatar

Get Corey’s agent on the phone! What a strange coincidence 😂

This is gruelling stuff Lewis. I can’t believe you survived all this and you’re still intact! The brain is an incredible thing. But please no more accidents!!

Lewis Holmes's avatar

Not sure Corey could pull off playing a teenager these days, unless we de-age him like they did with Harrison Ford.

There is one more accident to chronicle but - touch wood - I've been in good nick the last decade or so.

Katie Delaney's avatar

Ha, beautiful storytelling as always, Lewis. Multiple laugh-out-loud moments (“Clumsy Paperboy” and footnote 8 was a highlight). I kinda feel sorry for your bonce.

Lewis Holmes's avatar

Haha, luckily my bonce has avoided any incidents for a good few years now.

Sarah Myles's avatar

This had me chuckling in recognition - not so much the wrestling fandom, but the constant stream of accidents and clumsiness. ;D My nickname, since the age of 2, has been 'Calamity Jane.'

Could that be my wrestling name, as well? Or has that already been taken? Although, there's really no beating 'Home Counties Hansel.' :D

Lewis Holmes's avatar

I'm not aware of a wrestler ever named Calamity Jane, you'd think they would've used it by now.

Thanks, I was quite proud of Home Counties Hansel.

Daniel Puzzo's avatar

Incredible. You make all those American footballers look like pansies in comparison!

Also incredible is you hitting on a "doe-eyed Danish goth" - well played for trying it on, you never know where it might have led. Reminds me of my Greek friend, the guy is nuts, not long ago he was in a nasty motorbike accident and he managed to wrangle a date out of the nurse.

I've had my fair of ghastly incidents as well - diving into a swimming pool in the shallow end and splitting my lip aged 11. Various concussions here and there. A dreadful skateboard accident at 13 where I was a scraped up bloody mess. Great memories (see footnote 4).

The start was a nice brief trip down memory lane. I used to be a huge WWF fan, and I can still vividly recall the Iron Sheik and Roddy Piper, and Nikolai Volkoff getting hissed and booed singing the Soviet national anthem. That was the 80s Cold War in a nutshell right there.

Lewis Holmes's avatar

Haha, thanks Daniel. Some wild storytelling in the 80s, the WWF really did love tapping geopolitics for plot points. And don't get me started on Hot Rod, I could eulogise for days!

Wendy Varley's avatar

My head is hurting reading this, Lewis. Have you ever needed a brain scan after all that?

I've cracked my head a few times, mind you. I think the hardest was when a loft door came down on it while I was on the ladder. Ouch ouch ouch.

Lewis Holmes's avatar

Eesh, that sounds nasty. Not that it's a competition or anything, but I think the second part of the concussion chronicles will top it. And your question will be answered there too...

Wendy Varley's avatar

Oh, good. After so many knocks on the head (you, not me) I was actually feeling a bit concerned!